omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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