i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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