Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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