I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
