my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
