Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
