For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
