yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
