I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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