the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
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