Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
