im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
