Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
