I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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