Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
