Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
