i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
