Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
