So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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