I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
