Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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