stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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