i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
