i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
