Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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