I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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