he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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