Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
