my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
