You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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