"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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