I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
