you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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