I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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