you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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