and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You were trust falling into bushes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
