I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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