okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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