I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
