I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
