My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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