Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
