She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
