Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
