Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
