you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
