just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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