haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
