Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
