and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
